Being Comfortable With The Uncomfortable

I have been in Nicaragua for over a month and I’ve been unable to blog until now because it has been difficult for me to accept and adjust to being back in Central America; as if blogging made it official that I’m here to stay.  This was not at all what I hoped for, prayed for and even expected to happen to Anthony and I.  I pictured us in some mid-west college town, Anthony getting settled in the job he wanted and me making a home for ourselves in America.  This isn’t the first time things haven’t turned out my way in life and I’m sure won’t be the last!  Surprise right?

So I’m here, and what am I going to do about it?  The answer is for me to get comfortable with the uncomfortable, because very little about life here is comfortable.  Anthony and I live at the resort in one of the more basic villas/treehouses at the top of the mountain where the view and sound of the ocean every day is incredible.  Let me reiterate that I’m so thankful our living conditions are better than last fall and often remind myself of that.  However, living on a mountain side in the woods in a more open air structure has its downsides.  We have a constant layer of dirt over everything, our kitchen table and our dishes, and we have ants, spiders, and geckos crawling.  We can’t leave food or crumbs exposed anywhere for very long without it be attacked by large numbers of little tiny sugar ants. 

It’s always hot, breezy and dusty here because it is the dry season.  We have the same weather every day and the temperature is generally around 90.  Some days the wind picks up and I expect a rain storm like at home, but much to my disappointment those dark clouds in the sky are not here to stay or drop precipitation.  I’m a Midwest girl and I love four seasons and am definitely missing all that beautiful white snow. 

The pace of life for me is uncomfortable.  I definitely have things to do, because things generally are harder, take longer to accomplish and don’t always work correctly.   Aside from the frustration of things just not working though is the feeling of loneliness, isolation and the slower pace which at times can almost be unbearable.  I spend most of my days alone cleaning, studying, cooking, and exercising.  Plus, we don’t “get out” like we are able to in the U.S.  We have no car, there’s not much to do, and even a grocery trip is an all day, exhausting, dirty, and sweaty trip with several others piled into a car or truck.  Last week Anthony squeezed in the back of a truck with a bunch of guys and broken refrigerators.  I packed in the front with two Spanish speakers and had to build up the nerve to try and speak to them in Spanish.   After several stops and many hours we arrived home at 8 p.m.  Anthony made the return trip balancing himself on a buck of paint in a packed truck bed and I held two dozen eggs on my lap, one of them broke and leaked down my leg.

Then there is Spanish.  Estoy descansado!  Literally it means I rested or took a break, but what I mean in English is my Spanish is rusty.  I have definitely lost a lot of my Spanish in my two months in the states.  As a result, I have to one be patient with the fact that I’m not where I left off and secondly get used to feeling like a child when trying to interact with other people.  It takes a great deal of time and effort, and above all patience and humility, to learn another language. 

The hardest part about being here in Nicaragua is learning to not find my fulfillment and my identity by doing.  This challenge existed in Philadelphia too after leaving an environment where I did all these things I excelled at and was recognized for.  However, the difference in Philadelphia is I could work, take care of our home and our needs on my own.  Here I have to rely on others to help me communicate and take care of our most basic needs such as getting groceries. 

I’m getting comfortable with the uncomfortable, by first and foremost seeking Christ for my identity and fulfillment.  I am loved, blessed, embraced, valued and adored by God not because of my success, my beauty, my accomplishments, my skills, my doing for others or through outward recognition or affirmation.    It is a daily battle to be okay with “being” and not “doing,” and it requires me to be very intentional about seeking God, the truth of His Word, being still, and taking time to process how I feel both inwardly and outwardly.  (The latter two are especially tough for me).  I’m getting comfortable with the uncomfortable by overcoming my fear and putting myself out there by taking initiative to speak Spanish and seeking ways to get involved at the resort.  I’m getting comfortable with the uncomfortable by stopping myself from comparing how I wanted life to be and accepting what it actually is.  I am exactly where God wants me, sometimes I question that, but it is true.  It’s okay that I have to sweep up ants and dirt every day and trek up to the laundry house to wash our clothes.  It’s not America or what I’m used to, but it’s still okay. 

Finally, with Anthony’s support I took a step of faith and paid for the materials and test to get certified as a personal trainer.  I have until June to study, take quizzes and tests to prepare for the final certification exam.  I’m spending time 5-6 days a week reading and studying, and I have no idea what will happen with this or even where we’ll be in six months for me to use it.  However, I’ve always been interested in fitness and nutrition and am really enjoying what I’m learning.  So from time to time I’ll share some things I’ve been learning and testing out on both myself and Anthony! 

In the past when things have not turned out how I wanted they have always been for my good and in many cases led me to even better opportunities.  The path God has us on is always leading to somewhere, but it’s important to not miss out on all you can do, learn and enjoy on the journey.  God has always been faithful and it is helpful to remember:  “HIS thoughts are not my thoughts, nor are my ways HIS ways,” declares the LORD.  For as the heaves are higher than the earth, so are HIS ways higher than my ways and HIS thoughts than my thoughts.”  Isaiah 55:8-9

"Buco Villa" - Our two-story home in Nicaragua.